Is it not ironic how when someone say the tiny word NEVER, everything almost changes immediately. I think it has to be a cursed word for real. That and its brother: ALWAYS. Because it is now things started to get really weird, strange, scary and amazingly incredible…..
I remember exactly when everythings irreversible changed. I had been talking to my father most of the evening trying to sort through some jumbled threads of emotions and thoughts inside my head and heart. I had asked him a very tricky question
-How do you know if you are in love? It was just after that we had celebrated his 60th birtdat and we were sharing a piece of my moms yummy cake and had ha man-to-man talk.
He answered with a little wry smile:
-If you have to ask, you probably are not in love yet. Love is nothing you need to get confirmed. It either is, or is not.
-But if it is love that is… kind of…. forbidden? Can that change things?
-Is she a lot older than you son? Well, then it may change things I guess. But mostly it is just about peoples expectations and predjudices. The heart wants what the heart wants.
-The person I am thinking of. We are almost the same age. In fact we grew up together…
-Then, son, I would suggest that you listen to your heart. Carpe Diem – Sieze the day! Pick the Roses while you can!
Later that night when I was going to bed I was hearing my fathers last words echoing in my head: ” Seize the Day”. Could I? Did I want to? Of course I wanted to! My heart raced like a formel-1 car whenever my thoughts just briefly brushed passed this person. I had lost my apetite, could not sleep and when I did sleep my dreams were strange and haunted me long into the morninghours. I knew if I dared to pick up the phone and call and I got a yes, my life would never be the same again. But if I got a no….. I do not know if I could live with that. It’s hell if you do or hell if you dont no matter what. Being a teen IS NOT easy!
I decided to talk to my second closest freind: Joanna. We had been comrades in crime since she moved in here just before we all started high school and we hit it off immediately. I really liked the fact that she loved books almost as much as I did, but strangely enough we had never hit it off in that way. She had only been a good listener and a very good advisor when it came to understanding the heart.
– Come on now Freddie Boy! Don’t be such a chicken! Pick up the stupid phone and make the call!
Luckily enough (or maybe not?) I did not have to. Just at that moment Robin passed by us where we were standing. He did not seem to see us at first, but when Joanna called his name he looked up. When Robin turned around and waved at us Joanna winked at me and went inside the bar. Mission accomplished.
Before I could regret it I asked Robin: “Would-you-like-to-see-a-movie-with-some-popcorn-at-my-place-they-are-showing-a-rerun-of-Jurrasic-Sims” (Pause for breathing).
Halfway through the film I so wholeheartedly regreted what in my head had seemed like a really good idea. What had I been thinking? Had I actually expected to have some alonetime with a close freind. Here? In this household???
After the film Robin and I went downstairs to my room to discussing the film some more.
-Ha ha, Robin laughed. Did you see the pose of that model when the T-Rex came up behind her? Oooooh, pleeeeeease, do not eeeat me Mr Dinosaur!
-Yes models are so silly! When the only thing she had to do was tickle the big brute. Tickle always defeat your foe. Just like this! I started to mercilesssly tickle Robin in my old sofa just as I had done so many times before when we had been kids. But we were not kids anymore fake-wrestling until either of us yielded. Because I could not remember that young boy Robin had smelled so good or that each touch when we touching trying to get a better hold over the other had felt quite as electric….
Suddenly we both stopped in the middle of a movement. Breathless. Eyes locked into the other. My hand on Robins shoulder, I knew I really should move it away. But I did not want to. Besides I am not sure I could have, even if I wanted to because all of a sudden it felt like it was made out of heavy concrete.
-I love you, I suddenly blurted out. I know it is not OK, we being besties and all. But I loive you……
He must have felt the awkward tension as well between us because he did not look at me at all, but looked down at the hands in his knees trying to brush of some invisible crumbles. Almost as in synch we both stood up from the loveseat and it obvious that he was about to leave and I could not have that. Because I knew that he left like this. Right now. I would loose him. Forever. So I did the only thing I could think of, the only thing that had been on my mind for the past hour: I kissed him, straight on the lips! He stared at me with his big amazing eyes almost as he was seeing me for the very first time….
….and then after what seemed like eons, but most likely just lasted for seconds he kissed me back!