The first days of morning sickness she managed to fool herself that it only was a really bad case of food poision or maybe that she eaten too little. These days normal cooked food made her very nauseated. Only thing she could manage too keep down used to be strawberries and orange juice. But then came a time when she could not ignore the symptoms anymore: Her very regular period had been late now for several weeks and she knew she did not need any tests to recognize the fact that she was with child.
She cursed loudly. It did not take an Einstein to calculate who the father had to be. Since the dinner party she had not been with anyone else. So it was quite obvious that it was Mr “Ciao Baby” who was the culprit. Emma crinched. Normally she did not run away from diffucult challenges, but that was in the computor world where everything was black and white, ones and zeroes. It was something completly different when it came to dealing with relationships and people. But it took two to tango and she had gotten herself into this mess to start with.
She kind of hoped that he would not be home when she called, but of course he picked up after the first signal.
-Fredrick, its Emma. We need to talk……
-How could you be so stupid?
-Me? You are the one who supposed to be protected. You are a man after all!
-Well, as I recall it you were not that hard to convince.
-You are a brute!
-You did not seem to mind it a little rough.
-So, how much?
-How much to get rid of the thing? To make it go away?
-Out! GET OUT! She alternately shoved and alternately pushed Fredrick out of the door.
After she had slammed the door in his face she sunk to the floor sobbing.
For days to come she spent her time in bed with a blanket over her head. Crying until there could come no tears anymore. After that she tried to just block every sensation, both sight and sound. Before the toxic conversation with Freddy she had been so convinced that she as well did not want to keep the baby. She had not asked for this! What could she really offer a child as it were today? A big home yes, but how much time would she be able to spend with it anyway when she almost had to spend night and day working as it was. With a baby as well to take care off she knew there would be even less time. She knew that she would do the right thing. There really was no room for a baby in her life right now. Then Fredrick had started to talk about an abortion in such a cold and as a matter of fact way that she just knew that she could not go through with it. Come hail, come storms: She was going to have this baby! Oh PlumBob, what had she gotten herself into?
The first weeks after her decision she walked around in the world almost like in a blur or daze. At times she felt both thrilled and terrified at the same time. But mostly she felt like she was living in a dreamworld. Was this really happening to her? Was she really doing this? Then, around when she was 21 weeks pregnant she started to feel the first stirring of her unborn. She was taking a shower when she suddenly felt tiny, tiny fluttering from the inside. First she thought she had imagine it all. Then she felt it again! There was a life growing inside of her and she knew her life would never be the same again!
Summer passed and turned into Fall and soon there were not many weeks to go. Emma had worked really hard both from home and at work the last couple of weeks to make everything ready for her soon-to-be newborn. Her feet and calves had started to become swollen and she used to prefer to walk for a while after work before returning home. One day she heard a voice calling her name:
–Ash? Is that you? She seemed to be genuinely happy to run into him as she took her hands in a warm greeting. But he could feel that there was a distance between them that had not been there before.
–Well, very pregnant obviously.
Duh! He wanted to hit himself for behaving like such a moroon. Of course she was! Any one could see THAT! But he stopped himself before he said that.
–The mornings are still the worst. It is hard to keep food down you see. But besides that I am feeling amazingly well to be honest.
–And the father….? He left the question hanging between them.
–Not in the picture. Her answer was flat and stern and it was obvious that if he wanted to live he would not pry.
–You must think that I am an egocentrical idiot keeping this baby. Ugly…. And a moroon to have gotten me in this situation in the first place. But I loved him you know. No, I THOUGHT I loved him, she corrected herself biting her lower lip.
She looked up at him and straigh into his eyes, her soul bare and naked and he realized he had never loved her more than in that moment. Suddenly it was like the floodgates opened, her eyes started to flood and she flung herself around his neck crying like there was no tomorrow.
He let her cry for a long while, just simply treassuring the moment that she was here in his arms again after all these months. When her sobs started to still somewhat he gently loosened her grip around his neck and pushed her back a short distance so he could look at her beutiful, tearstreaked face.
–No of course not don’t I think you are an idiot. We all make bad choices at times, we are only humans after all. But what makes us to adults are that we are willing to face the consequenses of those choices. And when it comes to ugly – I happen to adore the looks of sodden, cried-out pregnant ladies. He had meant it as a light, and funny compliment to lift the mood, and he could see he had succeeded because she smiled faintly, although the smile did not really reach her eyes, not yet. Good.
–But, he continued. There is no way in hell that I will let you go through this alone. No woman should have to go through this alone. No child should have to grow up without a fatherfigure in their lives! Annoyed he noticed how his voice cracked and his hands started to behave more agitated as he spoke. But he spoke by own experience after all.
–Quite too late now is it not, Emma asked with a bitter tone. There really is not anything any of us could do about it now is there? If you are not the Doctor and have the Tardis ready for some time time travel hidden behind a teee somewhere?
–That is not true! He took both her hands between his and hold them in a firm grip, as if stopping her and this moment from running away from him.
-Look, he continued. My lease where I am currently staying is running out at the end of this month and I will need somewhere new to stay. You don’t know anyone by chanse who have a lot of free space….? He left the question hanging, but it was obvious that she understood what he was trying to say. But she still obviously felt the need to clarify:
–You want to move in with me? As a couple? But I do not love you?
–No, no, strictly platonic of course. Well, maybe it might look like we would be in a relationship to outsiders. But strictly speaking I would only be renting a room if you like. What do you say? I need a place to stay and you need some extra income and help around the house I guess…
The question kept hanging between them for what seemed to be an eternity, then she sighed.
–No strings attached? she asked.
–No strings, he confirmed.
–OK, you can come at stay at my place and help me with the electricity bill and whatnot. But I can not give any guarantees as if this may work out. There is no promise in here of anything more than freindship, is that understood?
It was not after she finnished speaking he realised he had been holding his breath.